November 10 - 33 days

Our days and nights feel like they are getting longer and longer. The past couple days have been extremely emotional watching Chloe struggle and have several vomiting episodes. Every noise and movement last night caused me to stir and jump off the couch where we sleep bedside. There was nothing left in her belly to throw up so all the nurse and I would witness was a very painful gag followed by a very loud rumble of her belly.

It is so difficult to see your child in pain and suffering but to watch Chloe for the past 30 plus days at this point is beyond heartbreaking. We cry every day, every night. I scream every chance I am alone...even when I am not. Sometimes I don't know what else to do. I've given up asking 'why' because it only makes me more upset and angry. I wonder when I'll be able to hold her again without having to worry about all her wires, without worrying about her low tone. I wonder when I'll see her smile and hear her laugh. I wonder when Olivia will be able to dance and play and laugh with her sister again. It breaks my heart over and over remembering the last time we were all together and laughing running around frantically for the camera to catch every moment of our girls. It breaks my heart everyday to think of my Chloe and how she suffers. I try to find the strength to be brave for her but it has become harder and harder every day that we have been at the hospital. I can't give up, she's my baby and I feel lost without her but I tell you I have never felt so broken hearted than I have this past month.

I sob as I write this in the hope that my weakness tonight will make me want to wake up tomorrow and be stronger and more determined. After a long night and day of watching over Chloe and running to her side each time I saw her lips smack and heard her gag, Reth and I now prepare again for her G-Tube surgery which is scheduled to be at some point late tomorrow afternoon. The doctors are still unsure of the cause of her vomiting but after abdominal x-rays, ultrasounds and bloodwork, they feel that she is strong enough and it is safe to proceed with the surgery. We altered her feeds today so that they were slower in speed and over a longer amount of time so that her stomach did not become too full and upset. She seemed to do a bit better than the last two days so we move forward and hope that her surgery tomorrow will continue to help her.

We are scared. I don't think we are all that prepared but I know we will hold tight onto each other. We will hold Chloe's hand until we are asked by her anesthesiologist to kiss her belly one last time before they begin. I know I will cry and I will fall. But I pray, we pray, that this will help Chloe along.

God bless our little Chloe tomorrow as she goes for yet another surgery. We ask again for your thoughts and prayers.

Much love and thanks,

Michelle, Rethier, Olivia and Chloe